Two Time Lords Walk Into A Bar
by regertz
Summary: The Doctor is persuaded by his new ("and fetching…Say fetching'…" grim look) and fetching Companion to take a little break. Note: You can take this as following the action of my "Devotedly,…" or S9/10 after Clara leaves the Doctor, at least in an AU where Missy continues to press for better "relations" and the Doctor can't refuse his greatest challenge…Helping the unhelpable.


"Doctor| Missy: "Two Time People Walk into a Bar…"

Summary: The Doctor is persuaded by his new ("and fetching…Say fetching'…" grim look) and fetching Companion to take a little break.

Note: You can take this as following the action of my "Devotedly,…" or S9/10 after Clara leaves the Doctor, at least in an AU where Missy continues to press for better "relations" and the Doctor can't refuse his greatest challenge…Helping the unhelpable, his oldest friend.

Disclaimer: Who me? No commercial interest or infringement intended whatsoever…

"Oh, Missy you're so fine, you're so fine you blew all 13 minds…Hey…"

"Must you…?" stern look.

"Sorry…I'm just so happy. I get a little carried away. And I never had a theme song before, you know…"

"Just…" hand put up…

"Right…"

"What?"

"Just anticipating…Here." Hands cuppa. "Earl Grey, hot, lemon, one sugar. And c'mon, there's no need to play Picard teawise, you're the Doctor. You ought to be promoting Gallifrean tresor tea from our home continent. When she returns to normal time Galactic trade's sure to be a major factor in rebuilding our economy. "

Long stare… "Are you gonna be like this the whole time?"

"I'm just strivin' to be the best Companion ever…" soulful look, Clara-puppy eyes. "What? Is it my looks? Am I too…Not an impressionable teenage chick? Should I be some hot…young thing…? We all know you like 'em young?" Missy grinned, spinning round in front of the TARDIS master control terminal. "And voila…"

"Holographic camouflage, nice." The Doctor frown at the image of original Romana, in Gallifreyan costume before him.

"You notice I chose a fellow Time Lady…" she noted, speaking in Romana's voice. "I thought after all these Earthers, you oughta have a good ole Gallifrean wench from your past."

"Enough, Missy. You promised to behave."

"Just trying to be the best I can be, boss. Romana was a noble TL, wasn't she? And don't tell me you didn't like her a bit…" grin, then sigh. "Gods, those eyebrows…If you'd had them instead of that damned scarf then…Oh, they just make me weak. Ohhh…Ok." Sigh at his glare. She reverted to Missy form, adjusting cameo again. "I guess it's nice you like me as I am. I'll take it as the nice thing you said for today." Smile.

"Didn't say that…" frown. "But the tea is good, thanks." To her rather surprisingly downcast look.

"Thank you, boss." She beamed. "Cookies? Made them myself." She bit into one, offering plate.

"Hmmn…Just a second." She pulled the plate away. "I think I took the wrong…Plate…" she collapsed.

The Doctor put hand to his forehead, shaking head a moment.

"Bad enough when one has to watch out for her killing innocent people, now I've got to see she doesn't kill herself?"

"I'm…Ok…" Pops eyes. "They weren't poisoned, I just made them about three hundred years ago and forgot. I wanted to have you try them, first batch I ever made, me mum's recipe, you remember what a terrific cook she was?...but I got all busy with the Cybermen and all that Nethersphere stuff and the 3W Institute…Being a CEO can be hard if you take it seriously, rather than just collect a few million a year, hang out at the golf course, then run for political office." She struggled to sit up. "I need to use the powder room a mo…Don't save any civilizations without me, boss." She wagged a finger. Oh…She gasped, hand to mouth. "Excuse me."

Ummn…She looked at him…

He sighed, then offered a hand, pulling her to her feet.

"And…?" delicate pause.

"Are you all right?" he finally groused out.

"Thanks, yes. That's so sweet, boss." Beam. "But I mean, where's…I haven't been in here since you redid the place. And you never did give me much of a tour…"

"Down the long hall, next to the library, don't fall into the swimming pool…"

"Right. Thanks, boss." She grinned, heading…Swaying then righting…Off.

"Oh…" she called as she went to the hallway door… "Is my room…? I mean I assume we won't be sleeping together, right off…"

"Through the door of the bathroom." Grim look.

"Gotcha, boss. Thanks. I'll bring the fresh cookies I made this morning, I think you'll like them, you loved my mother's recipe as I recall."

"Really not sure I thought this out enough…" the Doctor sighed, watching her go out.

…

"So this is it? This is our mission of the day? Cleaning the beach on the Summeral Sea at Praxis Four?" Missy eyed the Doctor as they stood next to the TARDIS. She looked out on the vast expanse before her, covered in shattered metal and various organic and other materials, the waves surging in, carrying bits off with each retreat.

"It got covered in rubble when you blasted that Dalek fleet in orbit during the Time War. I'd say we have an obligation." The Doctor eyed her.

"I saved Praxis from falling to the Daleks that day…I was a Time War hero…ine…" Missy frowned.

"You were just having fun…And you disobeyed the Supreme Command's orders."

"As did another Time Lord, often enough…After all I didn't burn Gallifrey once then blow it into another dimension." Smug look.

"I did what I did for good reason. And Gallifrey was saved. You were just delighting in the license to kill."

"'Deed I was…" grin. "Those were great days. We even fought together…Twice."

"I remember. I had to kill you twice when you tried to betray us all."

"Naturally. And it could have ended the Time War eons earlier, you know. Heck if I remember right…Sorry…" she banged at her head. "Some days there's just so much jammed in here…Do you get that, too, boss? Yes, if I remember right…I once even was ready to keep Gallifrey intact under my despotic rule as Lord President. I was a true patriot, all things considered…At times. And make that 'nearly killed'…" she corrected at end, fond smile. "You and your foolish blunders…You think I didn't see you were saying…'I love you, Koschei and some day when you become a woman. A fertile, sexy yet mature babe of a woman…And Gallifrey needs to be repopulated, our race restarted'…" grin.

"I thought you told Clara…" he began.

"What, was I gonna hurt the lil' puppy telling her dreams of you were hopeless once I re-entered the frame? She already lost her boyfriend, #12 , and that teacher guy she sexbuddied with, Pinky, was it?" shake of head. "And now she was all wild over the eyebrows…For which I really can't blame her…So…" shrug. "Time Lords lie, so I've been told…" roguish smile.

"Just get to work. If you really mean to be my Companion?" he eyed her.

"Yes, sir, boss." Saluting. "Though I would point out that most of those past whining bitches would moan and groan at the thought of this…Even if they were the cause." She noted, indicating the vast stretch of beach.

"But they wouldn't have this to help get…" she reached for her combination disintegrator/temporal vortex/scanner… Hmmn…She felt herself all over.

"Boss?" she frowned. "That is my personal prop…And wasn't in the contract."

"I can't have you disintegrating people whenever my back's turned…" he noted, holding her device.

"Like I couldn't kill without that thing…?" she frowned. "I promised you two hundred and fifty years of loyal Companionship, on Mother's soul."

"You'd happily kill your Mother. You tried to destroy her world several times." He frowned.

"Don't mean I don't love her. And I was occasionally, rarely, sorry during my more lucid periods that I caused her such grief even before our little therapy session…Geesh…Now that's just mean, boss."

"Well, I retain the right to confiscate all weapons on my TARDIS and while you're on the team." The Doctor noted.

"But I just wanted to get the job done…Efficiently. Think of all the 'little' people, animals, super-intelligent invertebrates and sponges we could be saving, boss." She pointed out, pouting. "This is just cruel to them…"

"Ok…Here's how it rolls." The Doctor eyed her. "Here's your toy, minus disintegrator, minus temporal vortexer." He handed her back the device, she giving grim pout.

"Not nice to mess with a lady's things, Boss."

"If you want to end this farce, right now…" stern look.

"Ah…" she beamed. "Test #1."

"Test #100, actually." He returned.

"And I pass…Yet again. Ok, boss." She put the device in her pocket. "At least I can still get 'Orphan Black' on this thing and scan for Daleks and Cybermen. Ok, I accept the gun-free zone rule. To be expected, I know. Now, how do we help these wonderful little…What are they, anyway?"

"Squid people…Very nice, actually."

"…Squid people of Praxis Four with their litter problem. Create an army of some inferior race like your humans, mentally programmed to delight in endlessly cleaning a beach?" eager smile.

"No. And you know, no."

"Right." Nod. "We kidnap a horde of Cybermen and force them to atone by reprogramming them to clean the place forever. Great idea, boss. Punishment with a noble purpose and the program once so tested could be infected into all of Cyberia, to make them see the good light." Beam. "Or do we grab the alternate universe Earth-based ones? You bein' so Terran-centeric…"

"Pretty much the plan you tried on Earth, minus the murder…No."

"No. Well, then? Hire a bunch of metal-eating blob creatures from Hyperion Six?"

"Grab a bag and lets get started…" he offered her a trash bag. "Gloves?"

"Thank you." Sour look, taking the proffered gloves. "You do know it could take the whole length of our agreement to do this."

"Suits me just fine. I spent five hundred years on Trenzalore before the pulse that regenerated us both. This looks like a pretty place, quiet. Fresh air, nice views, good seafood. I could spend a few hundred years here…"

She eyed him, then looked around…

"Well…It is a beach holiday…You…" sly smile. "And I remember the sunsets are spectacular. I trust you don't mean to put your squid people on the menu, by any chance?"

"No…But there's lots of nice fish."

"Fish? Oooh…I make a mean custard…" she eagerly noted. He eyed her, shaking head.

"I'll give you credit, Missy. In your twisted way, you are trying. Thanks." He smiled.

"Oh, you…" shy smile, twisting… "Well, boss…Lets get to it." Shaking out trash bag. "Say, you think there are nice shells here?" she looked around. "I mean uninhabited ones…I remember there was also a race of giant mollusks here." She put up a hand.

….

Three years later…Praxis Four, the beach front…

"And today's haul…Top of the list, a leaking Dalek antimatter power core…" Missy, in somewhat mussed white blouse and skirt, no jacket, hair askew, noted, pulling exhaustedly on rope attached to a blackened extra-large Dalek lower frame with cubelike structure above, the cube structure covered in a sheeny, plastic-like material. "Sealed with radiation-proof polymer, ready for teletransport into our pretty little red sun." she dropped rope, eyeing the Doctor lugging a large piece of Dalek outer tank shielding. "Boss, that's too heavy, let me help."

"Thanks…" the Doctor, gasping gratefully as together they set the piece down on the transport pad next to the power core. Both breathing heavily.

"A good day's haul, boss." Missy beamed, indicating the pile of destroyed Dalek parts. "Shall we send the lot off?"

"Ok…Just lets recheck coordinates. I don't want this load to end up in permanent orbit again. Took two weeks to nudge it into our sun." The Doctor, wheezing a bit.

"Honey? Boss…" Missy corrected to his immediate frown. "You ought to take it easy a min. You've been going too hard, especially with all the brooding contemplation stuff at night, you're not getting enough sleep. Come, lets set this right and get it off and have a bit of a sit and tea, eh? After all, it's nearly sunset. And you know, dear ole Bill'll probably appreciate a call…"

"All right…One minute. " The Doctor scanned the transit settings and pressed button. The items on the pad vanished in a blue light.

"And off it goes…You know we're really cleaning up here." Missy grinned, indicating the now well cleared beach.

"Still a lot of beach to do yet…" the Doctor noted. "But…Good job to date."

"Thanks, boss." Beam. "Now how's about that cuppa and sit? It's gonna be a very pretty sunset, I see." She noted. "Quexel fish on the menu tonight, by the way, courtesy our friendly squid people's gratitude for our efforts. They dropped another bag off this morning."

"Quexel? Nice." The Doctor nodded.

"I thought, just a drizzle of lemon…Seared just enough." Missy suggested. "A little salad, with balor root, and custard for dessert? Then maybe see how things are with my predecessor and her search for Love?"

"Sounds wonderful. And Bill has more on her mind than finding someone."

"I should hope so…Though Love's not to be sneered at…" fond beam… "But first lets get you sitting. You've been going straight for ten hours." She fussed, pulling a chair over. "Here, now. Sit. I speak for all Companions here. Bill, Rose, and Amy…Let alone River…Would insist. Clara…Well…Bit of a princess, my chosen one."

"At times. You, too…" the Doctor noted, taking seat. "You've been at it all day."

"Indeed…And I am ready for a sit." She nodded. "Just let me get the tea…Oh, look at that sunset…" she pointed.

"Very nice…The best yet." The Doctor agreed.

"This really was such a neat idea, coming here. It's been wonderful, boss. Thumbs up on the choice." She beamed at him, winking and indeed making a thumbs up gesture.

"I'm glad you've enjoyed it."

"Well, let me that tea and the things and lets enjoy the view." She went into the TARDIS.

The Doctor mopped his brow with handkerchief from his jacket pocket.

Well, he reflected. She's trying to be pleasant about it. Must give her that.

"Hey, boss!" Missy emerged, pulling tea cart and carrying an extra chair which he hurriedly rose to take… "Thanks." Smile. "There's a call…Can you take it out here?" she eyed the small phone box on the door.

"Yes, that'll be fine." The Doctor nodded. Eyeing her eager face… "You can stay and listen, I'm sure it's nothing that sensitive. Probably Bill again, or Clara and Ashildr, checking up."

"Give whoever me best…Bet it's Clara…And the same to Me." Smiling nod. Pulling cart over to his chair and setting down hers.

"Really?" the Doctor told the phone…He put his hand over the mouthpiece. "It's not Clara. We may have a new job."

"Not till you've had your dinner." She called back. "Is it Cyberjerks or Dalgoons or something mildly interesting?" she poured herself a cup.

"Look at that sun. You know I think all the Dalek we dumped into it has really helped make these sunsets extra spectacular." She noted.

"We'll be there in a bit. After we've had a bite to eat. What?"

"Tell them we have got a time machine, after all. They won't be eaten or otherwise dead or whatever because you took a mo to have a decent meal first for once." She called.

"Well, I've a time machine…" the Doctor told the phone. "We'll be there before your planet's annihilated, I promise. Yes, yes, you're our top priority. Right. Thanks. Appreciate it."

"Bet they're just fans who want to get an autographed photo since the Daleks restored the knowledge of you in part to the Universe." Missy called. "Don't miss the whole show here, Boss."

"All right. I appreciate the confidence…Yes, yes. I've never failed you yet, I know. And we won't now…Hang on, coming soon. Bye." He put down the phone.

"Well, that sounded urgent. Are we going to have to leave?" Missy eyed him.

"After dinner…You're right, no reason not to enjoy the sunset and have a nice bite. We do have a time machine." He'd come over to retake his seat.

"Well, thank the old gods you're finally taking a moment to smell the roses. Tea?" she offered a cup.

"I never just jumped in the TARDIS and leapt over if I was hungry or needed to get something done." He noted.

"So…A world or system or Galaxy needs saving…?" she beamed, sipping cup. "And who you gonna call but the Last Gallifreans in normal time…The Doctor and Missy, the Dutiful Companion. I'll make you and my predecessors proud, boss." Firm nod.

"Multi-world civilization. But I don't know…" the Doctor sighed. "The Hosta are such exaggerators. Last time they told me their worlds were infected and dying. Turned out they just needed me to clean a planet wide septic tank overrun with a form of algae they never seen before. But you probably should interact with people a bit more…And while I can keep an eye on you when unbothered by trouble."

"Oooh…We get to go all action and heroic…" Missy beamed.

"We're not heros, Missy."

"Right, boss. Sorry. We're idiots, bumbling around."

"Exactly." Nod. "And if we're very lucky we get to save a person or two. It is a beautiful sunset."

"Lovely…Are you feeling better?"

"Fit as fiddle, thanks." Nod.

"Well, you are going to have that fish. The saving can wait…Heck it won't have to…"

"I'd say so, given the Horta…"

"Yes…Hmmn…Boss?" wanly sheepish look.

"I know. I won't mention your name. What did you do to them?"

"Really it was just a misunderstanding. I crashed on one of their colonies and had to kill…Ummn…" she pondered… "About a thousand of them to restore my TARDIS' primary energy circuit, barely noticeable."

"Though of course, deplorable past behavior, all due to Rasillon and his fiendish abuse of me, never to be repeated during our truce." She hastily added.

"Just be polite and don't start ranting at them."

"I should call myself Clara…Or maybe, Rose? Everyone likes Rose on instinct. Clara…Well…" She twiddled a hand, noted. "Any details at all…?"

"Not many…They always hate to give much info out, think I'll charge them in advance, no matter how many times I've helped them free gratis."

"You're terrific, boss." Beam. "But finish your tea and then I'll get dinner going."

….

Horta Premius, home world and capital of the Hortian Confederacy…

"New Companion of the Doctor, Mary Mc Missy of Gall…way, Scotland, hallo, how are you?" Missy pleasantly shook yet another Hortian bypasser's tentacle.

"Missy…" the Doctor hissed.

"Mary…Or Molly if you prefer…" Missy whispered back, hastily beaming at the next bypasser, scooting along by tentacle.

"Mary Mc Missy, new Doctor's Companion, here to help assist the Doctor's latest save…"

"You don't have to greet every single Hortian…Most of them probably have never even heard of me. Or know anything's wrong here." The Doctor noted.

"Just want them to feel at ease with me. I might have to have save any one of them later on, boss. Don't want 'em feeling nervous around me at some critical moment. Besides, they seem to like me." She beamed.

"'Is this the scheme? To drive me crazy with this upbeat attitude?'" she prequoted, with grin.

"True enough, I was about to say that." He nodded. "But also, kudos for starting out well."

"Aw…you…" she grinned.


End file.
